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Joke of the Week Archive

December 2000

After having their eleventh child, a redneck couple decided that they had enough children, so the husband went to his doctor. The doctor told him that there was a procedure that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed the man to go home, light a cherry bomb, put it into a beer can, and then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten.

The redneck said, "I may not be the smartest guy on the block, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can, and putting it next to my ear is going to help me." The doctor assured the man that the procedure was guaranteed to work.

The man left the doctor's office and when he arrived home, he lit a cherry bomb and put it into a beer can. Then he held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5." The redneck paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand...

A woman woke up one morning deciding that she hated her life and wanted to end it. She went on the top of her roof. As she was about to jump a man called out to him telling him to stop.

She asked, "Why shouldn't I jump?" And the man replied by saying, "You see, I am Santa Claus."

"Are you serious?" the woman asked." "Of course I am. Don't you see the big belly and the beard."

Convinced that the man was Santa Clause, she asked what could she do for him. Santa replied by saying, "I can give you anything you want but you have to give me a kiss." "The woman puckered her lips and Santa started to kiss her.

Ten minutes later, Santa Claus was still kissing her, when she turned around and asked if Santa was really sure that he was going to give him everything she wanted. Santa Clause replied by saying, "Yes. But let me ask you a question. Does a big girl like you still believe in Santa Claus?"

Why Christmas Trees are Better Than Women

1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.

2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.

3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.

4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.

5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.

6. When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.

7. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.

8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.

9. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

Edmund asks his ten-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech!"

The boy continued, "If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar on New Year's Eve. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.

"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is."

"Okay," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?"

"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!"

"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."

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