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Welcome to Manly Jokes
for Manly Men December 2001 Dudley Do Right Dudley, a blonde guy, wasn't the brightest guy in the world, and his coworkers were continually ribbing him at the factory. One in particular, Gus, would greet him each morning and precipitate this exchange: "Say, Dudley, you seen Ben?" "Ben, who?" "Ben' down and kiss my ass!" Tired of falling for the same joke day after day, Dudley confided in his more worldly brother, who said, "Listen. Next time you see this guy, ask him if he's seen Eileen. He'll ask, 'Eileen who?' and you say, 'I lean over and you kiss my butt!'" Memorizing his lines, Dudley went to the work early to wait for Gus. As soon as the bully arrived, Dudley ran over. "Hey Gus, you seen Eileen?" "No," Gus answered, "she ran off with Ben." Dudley frowned. "Ben who?" The Blonde Hunter's Annual Trip Two blonde hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. The blonde men started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?" "I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year."
A Lesson in History A man was complaining to a friend, "I can't take it anymore." "What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks. "It's my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!" "You mean hysterical," his friend said, chuckling. "No, I mean HISTORICAL," the man insists. "Every argument we have, she'll go "I still remember that time when you...." What Age Would You Say I Am? His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products. Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Honey, honestly now, what age would you say I am?" He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five." Feeling flattered, the wife sighed, "Oh, you're so sweet!" To which the husband replied, "Well, hang on ... I'm not done adding it up yet." Insights about Women... The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once! A man whose actions leave his wife speechless has really done something. The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet. Extravagance is buying whatever is of no earthly value to your wife. A genius is any man who can adjust the thermostat to please his wife. Most women don't buy life insurance - they marry it.
Christmas at the Pearly Gates Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they are told that they must present something "Christmassy." in order to get in. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree. He is let it. The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier in that night. So he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" To which he replies, "Oh, They're Carol's." Christmas Trees 1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past. 2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices. 3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet. 4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home. Man's Four Stages of Life 1. You believe in Santa Claus. Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty 10. Did you get any under the tree? 9. I think your balls are hanging too low. 8. Check out Rudolph's honker! 7. Santa's sack is really bulging. 6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath. 5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake? 4. I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy. 3. From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real. 2. Can I interest you in some dark meat? 1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall. Christmas Trees Are Better Than Women Because: A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it. When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
Rockin' New Year's Eve "Say," said the smooth operator in a confidential tone to the host of the New Year's Eve party, "there's a lot of hot babes at this party. If I find one that's ready to grab a quick one, would you mind if I used your extra bedroom?" "What about your wife?" asked the host. "Oh, I won't be gone that long," replied the guest. "She'll never miss me." "No, I'm sure she won't miss you," smirked the host, "but fifteen minutes ago she borrowed the extra bedroom..." A New Year's Resolution A blonde at the New Year's Eve party was telling her friend that she'd sworn off men for life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no damn good," she moaned. "From now on, when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested plastic companion," she said. "What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend. "That's simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual." Happy New Year! Todd was determined to finally win over his lovely girl tonight. After dinner at a posh restaurant he took her for a moonlight stroll along the beach. As they stared at the moon he said, "I have loved you more than you will ever know." "So I was right," she responded, slapping him across the face. "You did take advantage of me when I was drunk on New Year's Eve!" Jump to Joke of the Week: | January 2001
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