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Joke of the Week Archive

March 2001

A German, an Englishman, and an American are traveling on a train. They get bored and start telling each other about their families. The German says, "I have 4 kids, one more and they'll make a basketball team."

The Englishman says, "Huh! That's nothing I have 10 boys; one more and I'll be the world-champion soccer-team's coach."

The American starts laughing. He says, "I've had 17 wives and no kids! But one more wife and I'll have a golf course!"

An older couple is playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a play-off hole and it is down to a six-inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, and they lose the match.

On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, "I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my d**k." The wife just looked over at her husband, smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"

The Modern Toolbox

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.

Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.

Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.

Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.

A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well ... uh ... that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "For God's sake, What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "Now think hard before giving me a stupid answer. This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmm ... The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless. "Wow! I can't believe it - it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

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Manly Joke of the Week Archive Last Updated
January 20, 2002