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Welcome to Manly Jokes
for Manly Men September 2001 Blonde Hunters in the Woods Two blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a dump." The other suggested, "Well, just go behind one of those big trees and do it." The first guy said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?" The first blonde man said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea - I'll use that!" The first blonde hunter left and came back with sh** all over his hands and clothes. His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?" To which his friend replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel?" A Severe Summer Sunburn A man returns from vacation with a severe case of sunburn, so he promptly goes to see his doctor. After the examination the doctor prescribes calamine lotion and a case of Viagra. Looking a little confused the man said, "I can understand you prescribing the calamine lotion, but why the VIAGRA?" The doctor replied, "The Viagra is to keep your bed sheets off you at night..." Lost in the Woods One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court, he plead innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. What did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"
Blonde Blonde Bank Robbers Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Brandee plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Buffie, in great detail. The robbery begins. Brandee drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffie, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?" asked Brandee. "Perfectly," replied Buffie. Buffie goes in the bank while Brandee waits in the getaway car. One minute passes... Two minutes pass... Seven minutes pass... and Brandee is really stressing out. Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffie. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the girls are getting away, Brandee says, "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!" Buffie said, "I did! I did exactly what you said!" "No, you idiot," said Brandee. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!" License to Be Blonde There was a blonde driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration please." "It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," she said smiling. "That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of such a license." To which the driver reached into her purse and handed him her license. Astonished, the Officer said, "Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration." The blonde pointed to the bottom of the license and said, "Can you see this?? It says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line.'"
Athletic Ability It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run...!" Gotta Run Deciding to take up jogging, Josh was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it. "What's this little pocket thing here on the side for?" The clerk replied, "Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you've jogged too far." What Golfers Know... Buffy: "My last ex didn't play golf, but maybe he should have." Samantha: "Why's that?" Buffy: "Because then he would have known something about the importance of strokes, putting it into the right hole, and FOREplay." Samantha: "Yeah, but he'd also have known something about threesomes and foursomes!" Measurements Candy: "So then my boyfriend asked me for my finger measurements. I was so happy!" Aimee: "Wow! It sounds as if he meant to give you a ring!" Candy: "That's what I thought too ... But, then he gave me a bowling ball."
A Really Bad Day A man is urinating one day when the end of his penis drops off. He thinks, "This is probably not a good thing," so he picks up the knobby end and sticks it in his pocket, then races off to the doctor. He waits in the emergency room for a bit, then he's called in. The doctor greets him and asks, "What's the problem?" "Well, Doctor," said the man, "I was urinating and my knob fell off. Here it is." And he reaches into his pocket and hands the piece to the doctor. The doctor looks, frowns, then replies, "What are you talking about? This is a marshmallow!" "Well, that can't be right! I ate my last marshmallow on the way in here!" Big, Fat, and Juicy One day a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were having a conversation. The pickle says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get fat and juicy, they sprinkle seasonings over and they stick me in a jar." The cucumber says, "Yeah you think that's bad? Whenever I get big fat and juicy, they slice me up and they put me over salad." The penis says, "You think that your lives are tough? Well, whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they throw a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a wet dark, smelly room and force me to do push-ups until I throw up and lose consciousness!!!" A State of Mourning A man's father-in-law died and his wife was very sad about it. After few days had passed, the husband asked her to have sex. She said, "I am sorry, I am sad, and I am in a state of mourning." The wife said the same thing every time he attempted to have sex. After a few weeks, he came in naked with a black piece of tissue on his penis. His wife asked him, Why are you doing this?" To which he replied, "We are coming to pay our respects."
Airplanes vs Women Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown before. Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch. Airplanes don't get mad if you "touch and go." Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection. Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits. Airplanes can be flown any time of the month. Airplanes don't come with in-laws. Airplanes can kill you quickly; a woman takes her time. Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time. Airplanes don't mind if you like to look at other airplanes. Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines. Airplanes expect to be tied down. Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills. Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong. However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's a bad thing. Married Life is Very Frustrating In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. Jump to Joke of the Week: | January 2001
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