Five-hundred-thousand Americans now have genital herpes. This is not to be confused with facial herpes.

If you get it on your face, it's herpes simplex, but if you get it down "there" it's herpes complex. If you get it both places it's herpes duplex.

There are various strains of the disease, such as whorepes, which is transmitted by prostitutes who don't bathe regularly. It is sometimes confused with hopis, which you can get from certain Indians.

Any contact at all with filthy midgets can lead to a nasty case of twerpes. And if you make love to a person who works at a Sno-Cone stand, you may get a case of slurpes.

For you who are vegetarians, just remember that sleeping with a green giant could give you Le-Sueur-peas; and kissing a canary can cause a bad spell of chirpes.